afraid of heights…

Nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be.  ~ John Lennona97765_g269_10-canyon

the new year is here…and finally for me, i can feel it.

As I have alluded to, i changed my life last spring.  I wish I could have written aloud to others during this past 8 months journey, but it was simply too personal.

But today, on this morning, i feel like I have poked my head out of the dark…that I have crossed a huge chasm- HUGE…and I am looking back at it with astonishment.  And all of the fear and apprehension of seeing it looming ahead for so many months is gone…and I am lighter because of it.

I have learned some things about myself:

  • I am capable of doing what I set my mind to
  • Being separate from people is more about emotional distance than physical distance
  • I don’t control everything, nor is everything my fault or responsibility
  • Having time and permission to create is essential to my mental health
  • I need very few ‘things’ to be happy
  • I can spend an obscene amount of money on groceries, if I don’t keep track!
  • Its OK to ask for what I need and its OK to say ‘no’ to what i don’t want.

I have also learned that before one of these epiphanies, I tend to get really emotional- like crying-in-the-produce-section-of-HyVee emotional…embarrassing, as I am counting my items, thru tears, to see if I can use the ‘express lane’.  But that is another thing I have learned…feel your feelings…nothing wrong with that.

One of my daughters has the quote above tattooed on her feet, and she has repeated it to me on and off thru the past 8 months.  Until recently, I am not sure I really understood this part of my life correctly.  And who knows? I may not have it figured out now either…but the first major chasm is behind me

Aside

Sometimes you have to climb…

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.  ~Anaïs Nin

Testing…

I took Journi to a new playground a few weeks ago.  There were new things there, namely a climbing wall.  Watching her negotiate it was amazing.  She looked at it from a distance for awhile, walked around it.  Soon she walked up and took hold of the footholds, almost as if testing them for strength.  She sat on a protruding edge, and felt the surface all the way around.  And then, almost without a backward glance, she began climbing.   When she was done, she had no fear of it, no worries and it became part of her play.  She found no need to conquer it anymore, she had found her way thru.

Considering the idea…

I have changed my life.  Thru a series of events that pushed me to act, to no longer settle for what was, but to reach for what could be, i packed up my favorite things and took a new job.  I moved 6 hours from where I have been for 12 years and found a new place to live.

To say that this is scary is an understatement.  Exciting, breathless, and sometimes lonely, that too.  I have not been without a husband and/or child(ren) since I was 19.  This is like leaving home for the first time, except this time, i don’t live in a dorm room and hoard extra change for postage stamps.

Sometimes you just have to begin climbing…

In retrospect tho’, now that I have been at my new residence for 2 whole weeks, I think I probably followed some of the same principles as Journi.  I considered this idea, living on my own, leaving the familiar, for months- even years.  I tested the strength of where I was heading, found a new job, doing something I have always wanted to do.  I backed away from the whole idea at one point, believing that I was probably crazy, and relegated myself to stay where I was.  But then I just started climbing…probably seemed sudden to some…but I had been contemplating the possibility for years.

I think the fear will go away in bits…I am finding my way thru…

Make each day.

When i meet a new person, i note variousities about them, but one thing i do notice rather quickly is whether they are a “maker”, a “meeter”, a “helper” or a “muller”… these are my own terms, and they are not all inclusive, but there are people whose mission seems to be meeting people, and those who are just born helpers.  Some are thinkers, and spend countless hours figuring things out, and of course there is us- the ‘makers’…we make things.  We bake, we sew, we knit, we fix, we create, we photograph, we build, we are makers.

This morning, i was considering the New Year, yes, trite, I know…a New Year post…but I was.  Its a new year, a new start…and i was thinking about what i need to do this year, to make it a more worthwhile, more satisfying year.  And the phrase “make every day” wandered thru my mind, and it resonated with me…in both forms of its meaning…to create something of value each day, but also to create the day- to unwrap it each morning, as a package of wealth, something to be treasured and used…not one of those gifts we get and re-gift to someone else because it is trivial to us- but to consider it, to turn it over and examine it and to decide how we will make use of it.  Whether its to make a list, or a trip, to meet a friend or walk a mile…don’t let a day pass without making it, that is my goal.

And for you my friends, for this coming year, I wish you breath…that you will find breath in your lungs to bless others, to sing, to race, to laugh, to dance, to learn, to enjoy, to be thankful, to make change, to spend time in the light…and to make.

Much love,

Pat

Lovin’ Amy

Journi received a pink teddy bear among her shower gifts before she was born.  Thru the course of the past year, the bear became a favorite along with a stuffed ape that was named April and it seemed only fitting to name the bear Amy.  Amy has gone everywhere with Journi, on trips and to the sitter, outside to play and down for naptime.  She has been washed countless times and is close to being potty trained these days.  As Journi has entered an age when she is pretending, Amy is her companion.  She practices dressing Amy, reading to Amy and giving Amy snacks.

Today when I came home, Journi was toting our momma kitty around, much to the irritation of the cat who finally wrestled her way free.  Journi thought this was hilarious and went looking for the cat again.  After some time, she came back with Amy in her arms.  She told me in her toddler voice that “Amy not momma kitty…Amy is just Amy.” At this she wrapped her arms around Amy, buried her nose in Amy’s neck with a sigh and rocked her back and forth.

“amy is just amy”… i would do well to remember this, that when i am feeling less than, because i think i am not open enough, or too emotional, not creative enough or too fat, not tech savvy enough or too messy of a housekeeper… that Pat is just Pat, and it is enough…

that there is unconditional love in the world, and you are enough…you are you, and that’s enough.

i feel…i believe…i know…i don’t know…

sometimes there are things that happen – out of our control – yet they happen.  And regardless of how miniscule the event looks to the outside world, something pivots in our personal universe, like tumblers sliding into place in a million dollar safe…you can almost feel the ground physically shift under your feet.

i had one of these yesterday…huge to me.

And today i find myself making a list of what i believe…sorting my spiritual beliefs into bushel baskets- this is in, that one is out…that one i am still unsure about.

What I believe.

  • I believe that there is a higher power, a spiritual force that is in charge of everything or at least conscious of everything on a spiritual level.
  • I believe that there is a life after death of some type- I believe this has to be for something, some purpose…
  • I believe that all humans and animals have souls- and that we recognize one another sometimes on a soul level, even if not on a conscious level.
  • I believe that souls can have multiple lives or body experiences- i don’t know that all do, but I feel that past lives, memories that don’t appear to be mine, and soul recognition are real things and the the life force that makes me alive stores information from other experiences before it came to reside in my body.
  • I believe that what you do can benefit you or harm you, directly but also in terms of what comes back to you.  Call it karma, but if you do good, I believe good will come to you.  What goes around comes around.
  • I believe if you look for the deeper meaning in things, in life, you will find it- and if you are shallow and look only for monetary gain and pleasure, you are missing out and will be disappointed in your life.
  • I believe in ‘positive energy’ and ‘negative energy’… i think that people share their energy with people and objects around them and that energy can negatively or positively affect circumstances.
  • I believe that if one looks, you can see this energy around someone- some call this an aura.  I just know that when someone is hiding something, is shifty and bad, I can feel it, or even see it in the space around that person- their space looks dirty, and it isn’t a physical hygiene thing, it has to do with their energy, I believe.
  • I believe that stress and worry can affect your physical health…that everything is connected, physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual.

I know there is more, and as I continue to sort this all out, i will add to this list…

and i know what i have is not much…

i know that some people have elaborate spiritual belief systems…i am not there.

I feel like I am in my ‘decluttering’ phase of my spiritual life…weird, huh?

 

 

do you believe in wings?

Today Dean and Journi were in the store room, looking at the new kittens we have.  I could hear them in there, visiting about the kitties and how big they were getting.  Made me smile.  And as Journi came bouncing back into the living room, she was carrying a pair of wings.  Nymph wings from a Halloween years ago, wire framed with green panty hose material stretched over them, glittery and wispy.  Obviously she had found them in the storeroom closet.  Journi was quite excited about them- shouting “Weeengs, weeengs!”  When she brought them to me, I helped her put them on, stretching the elastic over her shoulders so the wings flopped on her back.

And then she grabbed my heart… “fly?”

She asked it with such belief and earnestness…it killed me to try to explain that these wings are just for pretty, not for real flying.

That’s the difference between children and adults, you know.

If I found a pair of wings, i would assume they were non functional until proven otherwise.  Yet a child assumes they are fully able to carry them to wherever they want to go.

makes me wonder what sorts of gifts i have, that I have set aside- assuming that they wouldn’t fly…

what about you?

 

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