as i am.

Several years ago, while in a store helping one of the girls shop for a prom dress, i spied a woman with an armload of clothes.  She was about my size, tall and robust (that’s code for a fuller build).  Entering and exiting the dressing room several times, i watched her go from clothes rack to clothes rack, selecting this shirt and those pants.  Clearly she was having a wonderful time, and admiring her figure in the tri-fold mirror every so often.  She was trying on nice clothes, fun clothes in bright colors.  I have thought of her many times, and even now, she is so fresh in my memory.

Like many women, i have always felt ‘too big’.  There are various factors that enter into this feeling, but regardless, its been in me for so long, i considered it a truth.  Looking back at earlier pictures, I realize i have never really been too big…at times, i have been painfully thin.  Yet, if you asked me at that time, i would have told you that obesity was just around the corner.

If I consider reality, just for a moment…and accept myself as I am, I would have to admit that i have worn the some of the same clothes for over 10 years(because i don’t like buying clothes unless i feel ‘thin’)…that tho my weight has fluctuated ten pounds up or down…even 20 here and there, I am still the same.  That the dieting, the weird food combinations, the ‘eating what i want’, the junkfood, the fear of obesity…none of it has changed my weight much…and i have to wonder, if looking back at pictures from this time, will i regret all the time wasted on worrying about being “too big”?

This body, which houses me, my creative spirit, my humor, my energy, my ability to let others shed pain…this body is enough, and perfect for its purpose, which is to love.

And its time to accept, just as I am.

What about you…just as you are?

much love,


Hear me roar!

One of a grouch’s greatest joys is rackety, clattering, jangly noise! ~ Oscar the Grouch

So over a month ago, Journi and I had a collision and i spilled coffee on the edge of my laptop.  It was only a tiny bit, hardly any at all…but within an hour my “a” and my “s” were gone…and then my “q”…and my “z”…oh, and let’s not forget about my “1”, and my shift key on the left, my tab key and my caps lock…my escape key… and the little cute “~” mark .

One has no idea how many words you use the “a” and the “s” for…i got along pretty well without the “q” and the “z”, but a couple of my passwords have those letters.  So I bought an external keyboard for $10…it got me by, but I HATED it.  The external keyboard is rattly, clattering, rackety and just plain clumsy…and it took the ease out of writing and made it feel external.  My mind spoke more quickly than that keyboard could clatter out the words.  It was like going thru an interpreter.  I couldn’t afford the $200 it was going to cost to take it in to be fixed.

And so i quit writing.

A coworker suggested that I could save money if I bought a keyboard online and replaced it myself.  This idea terrified me. Its a laptop, for goodness sake! What if I get it apart and i can’t get it all back in there again!?  But I was desperate to have my mac back in working order, so I ordered one.

When the keyboard arrived, i looked it with suspicion. However, after watching numerous youtube videos (of a very nice lady from Smalldog Electronics)…assembling my tools and setting aside some time, I was ready.  You could almost hear the Dragnet-type music in the background when I began.  With the youtube video playing on the iPad, the nice lady and I worked thru the whole process- removing all the screws (all 17 of the external ones), releasing the clips, disconnecting the logic board cable, the backlight cable, the trackpad cable, the 10 internal screws, removing the keyboard, reconnecting everything and putting together everything again.

When i was finished, i just stared at it…afraid to see if it worked.

it does.

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